Apesh*t 5K Announces Search for new Entertainment & Calls for Auditions- Press Release -
In a shocking turn of events, it appears that long-time entertainer of the Apesh*t 5K, Neil Diamond (aka, Richard as Neil), may not return for this year’s race on November 5th. As race promoters scramble to find a replacement for the beloved Neil, questions loom around what exactly happened.
A representative for Neil released the following statement:
“Neil loves the Apesh*t 5K and everything that it stands for. But he is an artist, always wanting to push the envelope to express himself. The Apesh*t 5K’s insistence that he wear a yellow or black bedazzled shirt rather than his traditional blue is forcing him into a box that he is not sure he wants to be in. He is not saying ‘no,’…he’s just not saying yes right now.”
Meanwhile, participants of the race are stunned. “Who is going to work the crowd in that fun but uncomfortable way that Neil does?” said Barbara Tavinstock, a die-hard Apesh*t 5K competitor. “I mean, when he points to that chair during I am, I said, it gives me goosebumps.”
The announcement comes just hours after a conference call aimed at bringing the sparring bodies to compromise was reported to have failed terribly.
“We just don’t understand it. Whether the shirt is black or blue or purple for that matter, it’s still all shiny and sparkly,” said Roger Bigner, Director of Communications for the Apesh*t 5K. “It’s not like we’re asking him to button up a few more buttons on the shirt or anything. The chest hair is fine, we’re just looking for a little variety.”